Fresh Air for Dirty Laundry

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This week my husband said to me:  " I can't believe all the people who write about everything going ( which I interpreted as "their dirty laundry") on in their lives and put it on the internet!"  Of course, he said it just after I recently started to do a similar thing.

My question to him was, "Well, why do people journal and not want anyone to read them?" (because he's kept a journal ever since we've been married)

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, or if I'll even keep on doing it, but I hope it is some sort of catharsis (purifying of the emotions).

Do you ever get similar thoughts to mine?  "I thought I'd be somewhere else in life, other than where I am."  Maybe not physically speaking... however to tell you the truth, I have meant physically... but like... I thought I'd have 2 kids, a cat, a dog (which we do have), a mortgage (which we don't have), and a white picket fence..... my dream job would be.... and the list goes on. 

Well, this is where I've been at since about 7 years now.  Yes, I've finally come to terms that living in Smithers isn't all that bad, but it did take us living here for about 6 years before that happened.  I'm not speaking for the rest of my family, just for me.  It's strange too, because I've really wanted to "settle down" somewhere... you know, plant my roots... it just wasn't in Smithers that I wanted to do it.

I'm going to get pretty personal right now, but it's not something I haven't spoken with people, it's where I'm at.  When I've thought "I'd be somewhere else in life..." I've usually been thinking in terms of my spiritual walk.  I would never have imagined that I wouldn't trust God, but that's how I've been.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that He sent His Son to die for me thousands of years ago... so that I could have eternal life.  But my question lately is: "Why don't You care about me today?"  Pretty sure I'm gonna get some comments now....

We're going through a lot of difficulties right now, and to tell you the truth, I don't have the energy to do much more than get up, get to work, do my work, then come home and be a zombie.  My emotional being is maxed.  I don't feel like I can take any more bad news, and I certainly don't have the strength to deal with the already bad news.  I'm just plain worn out.

And then I hear a message like the Pastor gave today... and he's speaking right to me... It's about my discipline to be faithful with my relationship with God.

I've been relying on the prayers of everyone else for too long (but if you're one of the people who has been praying for me.... PLEASE DON'T STOP NOW!!!)  It's my turn to do something.  I guess, if I want to see results, I need to put in some effort. 

Okay, You got my attention God... but now, where do I start?  I mean, I grew up in the church, loving Jesus since I was soooooo young!  I graduated from Bible College for goodness sake (not that it means anything!), I've had kids that I intended to bring up loving You... (hmm slipped up there!) ... and now I can't even pray more than 2 sentences without my mind wandering.... seriously! 

All right, so now you know where I'm at.  I don't like it.  I don't want to stay in this position.  But I can't do it on my own.  God, please help me to grow in You, and to become the kind of person you intended for me to be.... and also, please provide for every need our family has right now, and let me see that it's not my doing that it's happening, but that it's YOU.